Stress Awareness Week 2023 – Why it’s difficult to say ‘no’ at work

Vicky Smith, coach consultant and co-author of Brave New Leader: How to Transform Workplace Pressure into Sustainable Performance and Growth, discusses how to manage stress at work.

The desire to do a great job, gain recognition and feel a valued member of the team can be intoxicating, yet also exhausting. It can lead to difficult choices – success at the expense of quality down time, often sacrificing your wellbeing on the altar of KPIs.

The signals that you’re sleepwalking your way to burnout can be subtle (feeling constantly tired, getting irritable, lacking energy, feeling anxious) and you may dismiss them as symptomatic of a demanding job. Your herculean efforts to exceed management expectations often go unnoticed and unappreciated, pushing you even harder to gain validation from the powers that be.

When the next urgent request lands in your inbox there’s no question of pushing back or explaining why this will push you over the edge. You brace yourself as you send the I won’t be home for dinner [again] text, wincing in anticipation of the acerbic response you’ll receive! So, what is it that stops you saying no, or pushing back and saying I’d love to help, but not right now?

There are two key reasons, the first being an inner drive to feel valued and accepted – or depending on how you’re motivated – not to feel rejected. As humans we have a powerful subconscious need to belong. To fulfil this need, we go out of our way to be as helpful as possible, believing that this will please people and make us feel part of something important.

The more we do – and do it well – the more others ask us to do. We become victims of our own success. On one hand we feel flattered we’ve been trusted with important tasks. On the other hand, we start to feel we cannot possibly let the requester down, even if it’s not really an emergency, just a lack of organisation on their part. The fact that we’ve being asked is validation enough to keep us saying yes.

The second reason goes deeper, tapping into personal insecurities. That inner voice in your head drip feeding the message that you’re not good enough, or that you’re a fraud. Or it could be the belief that unless you can juggle – and juggle well – a demanding job along with a full-on home life, people will judge you negatively, believing you’ll be seen as weak and unable to cope.

Such limiting beliefs create a self-perception as being of less worth than your job/colleagues/boss, leading you to ignore your personal needs and wants, believing you’re selfish if you attempt to live in accordance with what’s important to you. That isn’t to say work is not important, however, limiting beliefs dominate your choices – should I go home and relax/spend time with the kids/go to the gym, or stay late and deal with the email? Work wins out as you devalue yourself by placing greater emphasis on the job.

Actions speak louder than words

Despite verbal reassurances that family/health are important than work, your actions speak louder than words. What underlying message does it send when you’re answering emails at the dinner table, putting the kids to bed, or at half time during your 5-aside game? Work is more important!

Whatever the primary reason, you put yourself under enormous pressure not to let people down, pushing yourself to the limit by working longer hours, forgoing breaks, skipping meals, and feeling unable to switch off. Sounding familiar? It’s because these are classic signs of fast tracking yourself to stressed and potentially burnout, leading you to being off sick up to seen times longer than others. That typically equates to a minimum of a couple of months – imagine feeling so stressed that you are unable to work for that amount of time?

However, this doesn’t have to be a one-way street. Breaking through the ingrained drive to belong, or feeling just as valuable as other people can be realistically achieved. It’s not easy because you must be brave to do this, yet the benefits are not only extremely freeing from the shackles of workplace pressure but can increase your self-worth. When this happens, others see you as more credible and this enhances your sense of value and belonging. As you can see, this is a much healthier and sustainable way to fulfil those internal human needs – and avoid stress at the same time.